i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
