I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
