I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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