GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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