I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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