This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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