Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
