I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
