perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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