All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
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I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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