dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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