she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
