just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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