Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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