When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
