Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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