Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i believe in u and ur pee
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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