found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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