you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there