just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
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I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
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if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.