You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.