What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.