I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?