Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
