so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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