My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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