Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
