dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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