Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
