Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
