I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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