Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
