Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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