I am spending my child support on dildos
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
