I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
