Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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