I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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