You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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