I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The adults are the big ones right?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
