I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Randomize
