I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
