You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
