I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
