guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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