I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
