She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
