i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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