Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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