He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
