ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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