I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
