So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
