Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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