I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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