Ambien. No doubt about it.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
