I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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