Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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