Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
