Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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