He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
