Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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