i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
now i know why i became what i already was.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
