and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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