so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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