and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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