i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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