I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
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Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
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