I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
